A quick update on language to use when discussing the submarines
 

Dear Government Ministers and Senior Staffers,

As the head of comms in the Prime Minister's office, I just need to issue a few guidelines about the language to use when talking about the submarines. 

But before I do, can I just congratulate the whole front bench on a great week. Of the 12,862 questions collectively posed to the front bench by journalists this week, 3 were answered, which is a great result and really shows we're in good form heading into the election. In contrast, Daniel Andrews was asked 391 questions during the week, and he answered 314 of them. What an idiot!

The submarine announcement also helped. We were able to place the latest Christian Porter fuck up just ahead of the submarine announcement, which really took the wind out of those fringe-dwelling transparency loonies like Malcolm Turnbull.

Which brings me to the whole submarine announcement. It's come to my attention that certain words and phrases have been creeping into your talking points that need to stop. In particular:

• Please refrain from using the term "vassal state" when talking about Australia and its relationship with the USA. "Deputy sheriff" should also ideally be avoided, unless you're talking about how great John Howard was. Phrases that imply Australia is a submissive sex partner should also be avoided. Instead, please use terms like "partnership" and "friendship", which imply that the world's biggest superpower is in an equal relationship with us. And PLEASE don't laugh when you say that. It undermines the whole message.
   
• When asked about the cost of the project, please don't use the term "over $90 billion". Remember, the announcement was an announcement about a plan to make a plan. So just say that throwing around numbers at this early stage is completely premature, and use a tone that makes the journalist feel bad about even asking the question. (To be clear, it's going to be WAAAAY more than $90 billion, but we can leave that to Labor to announce next time they get in, and then blame them for it).
   
• When asked about what the US gets out of it, please just say "nothing at all". We know it sounds silly, but everyone seems to be buying it, and the deal we negotiated with the Pentagon was that we would give them everything, and then be allowed to say we gave them nothing. So we might as well use it. After all, it's pretty much the only thing we're getting out of the deal.
   
• If you're asked about New Zealand and how they're going to ban the nuclear subs, just pretend you forgot they exist. Usually works.

Finally, it's probably best to just duck the question about whether the submarines are "mini-Chernobyls". On the one hand, it's insulting to compare the USA of 2021 to the Soviet Union of 1987. The US is not run by a bunch of ageing, autocratic men who can't stand being contradicted. That was last year.

But also, with Australia's success with building submarines, it's probably not best to have any definitive statements on record stating that it's not going to explode. You know, just in case.

The Prime Minister and I feel confident that this announcement is really going to help us at the next election. Fingers crossed tensions with China escalate further in the coming months. Will really help our poll numbers.

Have a good weekend.

Charles Firth
Head of Comms
Prime Minister's Office

P.S. The Prime Minister's going to pretend he's not in Sydney again this weekend, so please keep that in mind if you get asked about where he is.

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