PLEASE READ:
This email will save Australia

Dear Minister Hunt,

Seeing as you're the health minister of your nation, we thought this email about a life-saving drug we’ve developed, might be of interest to you.

But we’ve been trying to contact you for six weeks, and we keep getting palmed off onto junior bureaucrats who have no decision-making power. We’re kind of busy (there’s a pandemic on), so we really need to talk to people who have the power to make decisions.

Look, I understand you’ve got a lot going on at the moment too. The distraction of the pandemic is a perfect opportunity to shovel money to the fossil fuel industry, and appoint your gas mates to oversee the recovery.

Plus you’ve got all that Twitter porn to browse. (Sorry, I mean, you have all those ‘hackers’ to deal with. Ha ha.)

And look, fair enough for using a once-in-a-lifetime health emergency to line the pockets of your business mates. I’m the powerful CEO of a major pharmaceutical corporation. I understand unbridled misuse of power to make up for psychological deficits caused by being teased as a kid. For me it’s about price gouging on life-saving medications, leveraging people’s desperation to live to juice our bottom line. For you, it’s destroying the planet and looking at porn, I get it.

I just kind of think that on this occasion, you are being paid $350k a year to kind of answer our emails. In fact, if there’s only one single thing that you do this year, it should probably be answer our fucking email. That single act is basically worth $350k you’re being paid.

Look, I’m sure it’ll be alright. I mean, what’s the worst that can go wrong in 2021? As long as you really work hard on your other responsibility (working out a way to stop the constant leaks from hotel quarantine) I’m sure everything will be fine.

Oh, and good luck with the gas-led recovery. Fingers crossed the next generation doesn’t start summarily executing people who wilfully contributed to climate change this late in the piece, eh?
 

Yours sincerely,

Charles Firth
CEO of Pfizer Corp

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