The IPCC isn't the whole story, it's just 3900 pages of it

Dear Australians,

I know some of you are alarmed about the IPCC report on climate change released this week that says the planet is on track to be unliveable hellish inferno by about next Tuesday.

However, as the Minister for Climate Change, Women and Cancer, I’ve skimmed the 3900 page document and there are several flaws in their methodology that makes me think perhaps things are not as gloomy as the report makes out.

First off, nowhere was it noted in the report that plastic straws are being phased out around the world. In fact, by 2025, the planet will largely plastic-straw free. And yet this was not factored into any of the calculations made by  so-called 'scientists'.

This is despite my government's $50 million advertising campaign against plastic straws in the lead up to the last election.

Same goes for single-use plastic bags and plastic cutlery. By 2035, our takeaway cutlery industry will dominated by wooden sporks. (Sure, the sporks may lead to a few more trees being cut down, but you get the general drift). In fact, Australia will be a global leader in wooden sporks by 2100. In fact, we'll have a net-zero amount of plastic cutlery by 2167 (if you don't include knives or spoons).

Not only that, but the IPCC completely fails to take into account the little “Eco” button that is now included in most major brands of air conditioner, and in many SUVs. This is an example of the market leading the way in carbon abatement, and shows that the government is right to wash its hands of all responsibility for it.

But worst of all, I am appalled by the oversight of the IPCC to not include a single mention of Earth Hour in the whole of its report. How can we trust their calculations if they're not factoring the crucial role that turning off some light bulbs in some houses for an hour each year will have on planet's carbon footprint.

What a joke!

Charles Firth
Minister for Climate Change, Women and Cancer
 

SUPPORT THE CHASER BEER FUND
During these times, it's very important for us to have enough beer to keep going. So please support The Chaser by giving $5 or $10 or $25,000 a month. It really is what keeps this whole thing viable. The Federal Election is coming up soon, and we'll need all the resources we can to cover it.

THE CHASER REPORT PODCAST
Our daily podcast is blowing up the charts, with familiar Chaser faces plus a whole bunch of young and underpaid correspondents. Search for "Chaser Report" on your podcast app of choice, or stream it here. We've had some great guests this week, so catch up with them on the weekend if you get the chance. Stream here or subscribe here.

CHASER DAILY
If you want a Zuckerberg-free way of getting daily updates from The Chaser, subscribe to our daily newsletter. Which you probably already have if you're reading this.

MERCHANDISE
Check out our quality range of merchandise at the Chaser Shop. Plus if you're into wearing clothes, we've collaborated with ethical manufacturer Lonely Kid's Club on a new line of merch and Minister Potatohead Trackpants. Check them out.