A quick update about those radiation suits we promised

Dear Staff,

Here at the Chaser Springs Nuclear Reactor and Childcare Centre, your safety is almost always the top priority of management.

Last year, Chaser Springs was one of the safest nuclear plants in the whole world. Every time radiation started leaking out of the main reactor, we would jump on it, lock everything down and contain its spread.

Of course, it wasn’t a perfect model. We had quite a lot of employees perish each time a leak occurred, but less than in other nuclear plants. And the kids in the childcare section didn’t seem to even notice the radiation, so over all it was a pretty good effort.

Of course, shutting down a nuclear reactor and childcare centre every few months is not a sustainable model. And since last year, the leaks have gotten stronger and more deadly. (In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have put the play-pens right next to the reactor core).

So we were thrilled when it was announced that scientists had developed new radiation suits that would mean that all staff and kids would be safe, whether or not our main reactor was leaking like a sieve.

As I said at the time, Chaser Springs would be first in line for these high-tech new suits, and that I would be taking personal credit for the rollout of these new suits.

Now, a year later, I know a lot of you are wondering where the suits are. Around the world, tons of nuclear reactor / childcare centres now have these suits. Some places are even letting the kids play with the boron rods just like the old days. 

How come we don't have any, I hear you ask?

Look, it's true that I told the suit salesman to fuck off when he came around last July. But in fairness to me, I'd just received my credit card bill for my last holiday in Hawaii, so I wasn't in the mood to spend any more money.

Frankly, I blame you for not wearing your suits. I know you don't own a suit yet, but that's no reason not to wear it at all times.

I'm sick of people saying there aren't enough to go around. Just wear one even if you don't have one. I mean, I got my suit back in February and it fits very well. In fact, everyone here in the management team has been wearing their suits for months. 

In anything, the fact that there aren't any to put on just shows how hesitant you are to put them on. If you were less hesitant you would have put them on by now, regardless of whether there were any available to put on. You’ve only got yourself to blame.

I know that everyone is alarmed that the radiation leaks have been getting more and more intense in reason weeks. There’s not a huge amount we can do about it I’m afraid.

My advice is to just hold your breath until mid-December, because, let me assure you, 70% of all eligible staff will have at least half a suit by then.

(Suits for the kids might take a bit longer, but don’t worry — they're not 'eligible' for the suits anyway, so they don't count towards the goal anyway.)

I understand that some of you are angry and confused, but frankly I don’t think there’s much we could have done differently (beyond buying the suits when that guy came around last year offering to sell them to us).

And if you do have complaints, I really do think you should blame the lady who runs the childcare division. She left the reactor core door open for nine days a few weeks ago. Blame her for everything.

Of course, all of us in management will be working from home, away from the reactor until this crisis passes, so good luck. Remember we’re all in this together.

Charles Firth
CEO
Chaser Springs Nuclear Reactor and Childcare Centre

AUDIENCE SURVEY
If you haven't already, please fill out this survey. It's so that we can attract sponsors to The Chaser Report podcast, but many of the questions are useful to us, even if you don't listen to the podcast yet. (You can remain anonymous if you want). If you answer the survey, including the last question, you have the opportunity to win a $50 gift voucher. FILL IN SURVEY

SUPPORT THE CHASER BEER FUND
During these times, it's very important for us to have enough beer to keep going. So please support The Chaser by giving $5 or $10 or $25,000 a month. It really is what keeps this whole thing viable. The Federal Election is coming up soon, and we'll need all the resources we can to cover it.

WAR ON 2021 NATIONAL TOUR
Tickets to our end of year tour The War on 2021 are now available. Get tickets now.
 

CHASER DAILY
If you want a Zuckerberg-free way of getting daily updates from The Chaser, subscribe to our daily newsletter. Which you probably already have if you're reading this.

MERCHANDISE
Check out our quality range of merchandise at the Chaser Shop.
Plus if you're into wearing clothes, we've collaborated with ethical manufacturer Lonely Kid's Club on a new line of merch and Minister Potatohead Trackpants. Check them out.