St Joseph's College
Report Card - Term 2

Dear Parent,

I’m just writing to update you on the progress of your son.

As you know, your son is a moron, and that is why he fits in so well here at St Joseph's College.

We are confident that with the right support he’ll be arrogant enough by the end of the year to graduate as a fully fledged Joey’s boy, and go on to become a captain of industry, a Federal Cabinet member or an 'alleged' rapist. Who knows, maybe all three!

I'm proud to say the whole of Year 12 is making good progress on remembering not to spit on homeless people. We’ve only recorded a dozen or so incidents this term, so that's a massive improvement.

I do have some bad news. I regret to inform you that your boy was involved in an unfortunate accident where he and the rest of his year, tripped over an unvaccinated aged care worker, and got vaccinated with two Pfizer jabs two weeks apart. You must understand this was a total accident. You see, his paperwork got mixed up with the paperwork of our Indigenous students, an accident that was identically replicated 170 times. You know how sloppy medical paperwork is. Nobody ever double-checks anything.

It was nice to hear that your son inherited a small Swiss bank from his great uncle during the term. It’s good to know he'll have a bit of pocket money during his gap year next year, while he holidays around the world. Ahem, I mean, goes on "Important Business Trips Exempted From Australia's Border Restrictions" around the world. 

Just to let you know, we will be applying for special consideration to get him through his Year 12 exams. There's a form for that that I'll send you. Just sign on the dotted line and ignore the bit about him being a quadriplegic. It's just a paperwork thing.

Best wishes,
Charles Firth
Headmaster
St Joseph's College
 

The Chaser Report is coming to Melbourne (well, assuming we ever get out of lockdown). We'll be recording live on stage at the Jam Factory, 1st August at 9.15pm. MORE INFO or BOOK NOW.
 

THE CHASER REPORT PODCAST
Our new daily podcast is blowing up the charts, with familiar Chaser faces plus a whole bunch of young and underpaid correspondents. Search for "Chaser Report" on your podcast app of choice, or stream it here.

CHASER DAILY
If you want a Zuckerberg-free way of getting daily updates from The Chaser, subscribe to our daily newsletter. Which you probably already have if you're reading this.

MERCHANDISE
Check out our quality range of merchandise at the Chaser Shop.

Plus if you're into wearing clothes, we've collaborated with ethical manufacturer Lonely Kid's Club on a new line of merch and Minister Potatohead T-shirts. Check them out.