New restrictions to pretend you've read
Dear Reader,
As the Delta variant spreads out of Bondi, and around Australia, every state is having to deal with the spread. Here is the list of new restrictions. Please skim these so you can pretend you've read them next time you have to fill in a Covid form.
NSW
- All pubs and clubs in the Bondi area must observe a strict limit of four grams of cocaine per toilet cubicle.
- Cafes in Sydney’s Inner West must observe a strict limit of four piccolo macchiatos per person.
- Boomers must wear face masks while negatively gearing their investment properties.
- Commuters on the Central Coast Line must wear masks while delivering racist tirades.
VICTORIA
- Children are strongly advised to stand at least 1.5 metres away from Catholic priests at all times.
- You must check in at Bunnings using the QR code before you record your QAnon tirade for Facebook
QUEENSLAND
- People on the Gold Coast suffering a loss of taste do not need to get a Covid test. That's just you.
- Boomers on the Sunshine Coast are now restricted to buying four investment properties per hour.
- Aldi shoppers in the Greater Brisbane Area are restricted to a strict limit of four discount trombones per visit.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA
- It is now compulsory for all residents to chuckle smuggly at what's happen across the rest of Australia.
- Residents are permitted to pretend to be sad "about the whole Delta thing" when they are on Zoom meetings with people from interstate.
SOUTH AUSTRALIA
- If you are suffering from any Covid-like symptoms (cough, shortness of breath, running nose) please immediately board a plane to Melbourne.
TASMANIA
- All residents are now required to complain about how bad the traffic is nowadays. This has nothing to do with Covid, but it is still a mandated requirement.
NORTHERN TERRITORY
- NT Senators who are experiencing symptoms such as dizziness, nausea and headaches must get tested, not for Covid, but for alcohol poisoning.
AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY
- If you’re the Prime Minister and you have already been fully vaccinated and you've even recently gone on a trip overseas to the pubs of England, while the rest of the country waits to receive the vaccine that you didn’t order enough of, please fuck off.
Please observe the above restrictions, and remember that we're all in this together (except for mining executives, Hollywood stars and disgraced Cardinals).
By the way, you may have heard that parts of Sydney are now in a lockdown as of tonight, but that is incorrect. If you're living in a utopian state such as NSW, run by wise, moderate Liberal Party leaders who enjoy the full confidence of the Murdoch press, then every time you have a Lockdown, it's not actually a Lockdown, it's a Non-Lockdown. If you're idiotic enough to live in a Labor state during a lockdown, then I'm afraid you've basically been brainwashed by communist despots who are trying to enslave you under the guise of "keeping you safe". Hope that clears things up.
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