Budget 2021 Winners and Losers

Dear Voter,

As Treasurer of Australia, I was proud to hand down the 2021 Budget on Tuesday night. As you would have read in your local Murdoch press, the most important thing to focus on in any budget is not its broader impact on how it affects society, but its direct impact on you and only you.

With that in mind, here’s a list of the pros and cons of our latest budget. 

(Bear in mind this is not a comprehensive list because I left my notes on the desk of female MP last night, and, it got cum all over it. Just one of the risks of working at Parliament House nowadays, I suppose. Haha. Oops!)

• Good news for owners of gas-fuelled power plants! We’ve propped up your crumbling business for a few extra years. You know what to do when the hat is being passed around at our next fundraising dinner. (Remember the election’s really soon!) See you there!
• Bad news for people who live on earth and don’t want to burn in a fiery hellscape. Unfortunately, we’ve found people like you don’t turn up to our fundraisers, so there’s not a lot we could do for you. Perhaps consider getting a second air conditioner for your bedroom?
• Good news for people who want to borrow 98% of the cost of your house. Have fun paying that off!
• Bad news for investment property owners who get sick of having to list all the tax deductions on their tax returns each year. There will be no relief from all the deductions you get, I’m afraid.
• Good news for people who like going overseas. You’ve got a whole extra year to prepare for your next trip. So get planning now!
• Bad news for business executives who hate having to travel to meetings overseas. Unfortunately our exemption system means that you can still come and go as you please. Just make sure you’re not wanting to re-enter Australia out of love for your family. In that circumstance, I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the back of the queue.
• Good news for old people stuck in aged care. At the moment 41% of you are malnourished. With our cash splash that represents roughly a quarter of the funding that’s actually needed, the number of people starving should plummet to about 31%. Imagine that — less than a third of you will go to bed hungry each night. What a win!
• Bad news for people who visit old people in aged care facilities. You’ll still need to remember to take snacks!

Anyway, there’s also another $9 billion or so in surprises that we can announce in the lead up to the election using the 21 slush funds we set up that allows ministers to arbitrarily spend your money. So fingers crossed you live in a marginal Liberal electorate. Haha. Not joking though.

Have a great weekend!

Charles Firth
Federal Treasurer
Commonwealth of Australia

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