We’ve updated our Terms and Conditions of your Australian Citizenship

Dear Citizen,

This is just a quick note to say that we’ve updated the terms and conditions of your Australian Citizenship.

This update is a minor usability update, and if you’d prefer to just skip to the end and accept the changes without knowing the boring details, feel free to just stop reading now. By opening this email, you’ve already agreed to the updated terms anyway.

Rest assured, for the vast majority of users, Australian Citizenship will look and feel almost exactly the same. You can still go and buy houses on the weekend. Onions will still be available on sausage sizzles. Lowest prices will remain just the beginning.

The minor change, which is hardly worth mentioning really, is just that, if you leave the country for any reason, no longer will you necessarily be allowed back in.

Now, before you get too worried about that, let me just point out that in the VAST MAJORITY of cases, this won’t be a problem.

As you know, we’ve already introduced a tiered-pricing system for entry to Australia. As you can see, the VAST MAJORITY of our tiers allow unfettered access to Australia, even if you’re not a citizen!

• KERRY STOKES LEVEL - Come and go as you please. Pretend to quarantine.
• HOLLYWOOD STAR LEVEL - Come and go as you please. Quarantine at Nicole and Keith’s farm.
• TENNIS PLAYER LEVEL - Entry permitted, but strict maximum of 10 negative social media posts about quarantine per day.
• BAGGY GREEN LEVEL - Entry permitted, but only after two weeks at a luxury resort in the Maldives.
• BLUE RIBBON SAFE SEAT LEVEL - Entry to Australia guaranteed as long as you can afford a business class seat on the flight home. If you’re into negative gearing or love tax free franking credits, then this level suits you.
• NORMAL LEVEL (previously known as “WHITE LEVEL”) - Entry from Covid-ravaged countries that are deemed sufficiently white will still be permitted. Quarantine compulsory.
• CITIZENSHIP LITE (previously known as “BROWN LEVEL”) - 5 years in jail. $66k fine.

If you’re still confused, here are some case studies to help you understand how the update probably won’t affect you:

Say, you’ve got a mother in the USA or the UK, and she passes away, and you head over there for the funeral, even though there’s a virus out of control in that country. Rest assured, you’ll always be allowed to return home. Eventually.

On the other hand, say you’ve got a mother in India, and she dies, and you head over there, even though there’s a virus out of country in that country. Unfortunately, the “get back into your own country” bit of our product will no longer apply to your citizenship.

But frankly, if you can’t arrange for your mother to die in the USA or the UK, then we’re not sure Australian Citizenship is a right fit for you anyway.

Rest assured, this is a temporary measure, and, sure, the update is permanent part of the Australian Citizenship product, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll use it in the future. It’s there, just in case. Nothing to worry about. In fact, I can’t believe you’re still reading about it. Did you hear how Stuart MacGill got kidnapped? Go and read about that instead! That’s far more interesting than this boring stuff.

Charles Firth
Immigration Minister
Australian Federal Government (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Minerals Council of Australia)

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