A message from the Prime Minister

Dear Voter,

During this pandemic, there have always been different roles and responsibilities between state and federal governments. 

The states have been in charge of all the unpopular things that actually stop the spread of the virus, such as making people wear masks, locking them down, and closing borders.

The Federal Government has had the equally onerous task of running the press conferences, conducting photo ops, and making announcements that undermine the work of the states.

However, there is one thing that the National Cabinet agreed early on would be the responsibility of the Federal Government: the vaccine roll-out. 

Now I won’t go into detail about why we were so keen to be in charge of rolling out the magical cure that will make everyone happy shortly before our next election is due. 

But we took on this burdensome responsibility, and we did so knowing that it would involve some work. 

And let me tell you it was hard. Do you know how difficult it is handing out billion-dollar contracts to some of our largest donors? The hang-overs from being wined and dined were almost worse than having Covid.

And look, I’ll be honest, mistakes were made. Once we’d signed a contract with Pfizer and AstraZeneca, we were too drunk to bother signing up any of the other vaccines. Besides, the Sharkies were playing that weekend, and it just didn’t seem like it was worth ruining a weekend to deal with.

We honestly thought that two varieties would be good enough. Pfizer for blue-ribbon Liberal Party electorates, AstraZeneca for everyone else. It didn’t even occur to us that there might be supply problems for the most wanted substance on earth.

Anyway, that’s why it was great news to hear that the AstraZeneca vaccine has blood-clotting issues at a rate 1/160th of that posed by the female contraceptive pill. It’s a vanishingly small risk, but remember this vaccine isn’t just being given to women, so we have to do something about it.

Which is why we’ve made the difficult decision that from today, people under 50 will no longer be able to get the AstraZeneca vaccine. Of course, they weren’t able to get it before now, but at least we can now blame this all on AstraZeneca.

In hindsight, the main problem with the vaccine roll out has always been that we forgot to have someone to blame it on when we inevitably stuffed it up. Now that that’s fixed, we can all relax. (Or at least, I can — I got my vaccine months ago).

Anyway, looks like the election might be next year now. Have a good weekend. See you next week. (Oh, wait, the Sharkies are playing so I might take Monday off.)

Charles Firth
Prime Minister of Australia

P.S. If you haven't already, please contribute generously to our new crowd-funding campaign to defame Peter Dutton. I'm sure you'll all agree it's for a very worthy cause. FIND OUT MORE
 

LIVE SHOW - NEW DATES

Following our critically acclaimed, sell-out run at the Adelaide Fringe, James and I are taking our new show on the road. It's the show that we had planned to tour with last year, fully updated to be all about the pandemic. 

Canberra Theatre
4th May 2021 – 7:30pm
BOOK NOW

Sydney, Enmore Theatre
6th May – 7pm
BOOK NOW

Melbourne, Athenaeum Theatre
7th May – 6:30pm & 8:30pm
BOOK NOW

Brisbane, Fortitude Valley Music Hall
20th May 2021 – 6:30pm
BOOK NOW
 

(If you bought tickets last year to this show and it got cancelled, your ticket is still valid to this show -- check your email for details).
 

ANDREW HANSEN: SOLO SHOW



Andrew Hansen. He’s the actual, real, proper star of The Chaser’s War On Everything, CNNNN and The Hamster Wheel. He’s the good one from The Chaser. Known for his ferocious songs and iconic characters like the Surprise Spruiker and Clive the Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter, Andrew now presents a blistering live set of sketches and musical takedowns. So don’t miss this brand-new slate of musical and theatrical treats from Andrew Hansen – including hand-picked classics from the Chaser TV songbook. BUY TICKETS NOW
 

WAR ON 2020
The War on 2020 was a comedy series about the worst year ever 15 videos with principal financing from Screen Australia, in association with Screen NSW.

THE CHASER SHOP
We've only got twelve-hundred and ninety-thousand billion quintillion rolls of Toilet Paper left. Also -- The Chaser's Dom Knight has written The 2020 Dictionary and it keeps selling out. Plus we've even got a few beach towels left. Also -- our 2020 Annual has now sold out in bookstores, and we've only got a few copies left in the online shop. After that, it'll be sold out forever.

Visit ChaserShop.com

THE SHOT
The Chaser now has a much more serious sister site. Read now