The flood of scandals is a once in 100 year event

Dear Reader,

In these trying times, it's hard to keep up with all the scandals and stuff-ups. That's why, a few years ago, we partnered with CERN, NASA and the CSIRO to build a massive supercomputer capable of keeping track of Australia political scandals, corruption and stuff-ups.

Originally we scoped the computer to cope with up to ten Barnaby-Joyces-worth of scandal per day. We thought that would provide easily enough slack. But then Angus Taylor got into parliament, and we had to completely redesign it into a parallel computing system to allow for parallel scandals by the one individual to be tracked in real time.

And, frankly, the new system, which is capable of tracking 1200 Barnaby Joyces worth of scandals per day (ie 50 Angus Taylors), has been working pretty smoothly.

(It helped that Scott Morrison decided to take last year off, which reduced the load a bit.)

Unfortunately, the last five weeks have completely overwhelmed our poor computer system. The number of scandals per second coming out of Canberra is a once-in-a-100-year flood of catastrophes.

According to The Australian Bureau of Statistics, the main driver in our economy now is growth in scandals. At this rate, by 2030, on average, there will be 4.7 scandals per person in Australia.

Which raises an interesting point about equity. At the moment, mediocre white men own the vast majority of political scandals of Australia. Is this fair? Peter Dutton owns over 20 scandals. Angus Taylor owns more than 50.

Shouldn't the ownership of scandals and stuff-ups be shared more evenly across the population? There are diverse segments of Australia that are completely underrepresented when it comes to scandals. Asian lesbians own virtually no political scandals in Australia. How can this be allowed to continue?

Anyway, point is -- there is not a supercomputer on earth that can keep track of the scandals and stuff-ups  being generated by the Federal Government at the moment. Not even the 2016 Census computer is capable of handling it.

Therefore, I'm afraid to say, from now on, you're on your own. We'll continue to report the scandals and stuff ups and flagrant corruption as they happen, but you'll have to try and keep track of it yourself. The sheer quantity is too overwhelming.


Charles Firth
Managing Editor
The Chaser

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