Notice of Material Change in Business Conditions

Dear Shareholder,

Here at Chaser Inquiries Corp, we’ve had a bumper few years. As you know, we're now the nation’s leading provider of Government Inquiries and Government Inquiry-related services.

Under Morrison, we’ve never had it better. Last year alone, the Prime Minister launched over 1.3 trillion Federal Government Inquiries: from Australia Post bonuses to Robodebt to wage theft to aged care to sport grants to whether Peter Dutton is actually a potato or not.

I know I’m probably biased since I run a company that profits from setting up inquiries, but inquiries are a great way for politicians to diffuse political problems in a way that completely confounds the media cycle. 

It’s an easy process: you stuff up something, the media goes crazy, you launch an inquiry and then spend the next few months saying you can’t comment because you’re waiting for the inquiry.

As long as you know nothing terrible will come out during the inquiry, you’ve diffused a potent political crisis by making it into a long, boring story that doesn’t fit into our attention-deficit news cycle.

By the time the inquiry reports, everyone’s forgotten about and it feels like old news anyway.

And the great thing for us is that every inquiry launched requires its own staff, its own office space, its own pompous over-paid white male barristers. Chaser Inquiries Corporation has made hay providing those services in this boom period.

That is, until two weeks ago, when all of sudden, without any warning, for some reason that we can’t work out, Mr Morrison decided he didn’t like inquiries anymore.

The weird thing is, the allegations against Christian Porter pose the biggest crisis of his entire time in office, and yet he steadfastly refuses to hold any sort of inquiry into them. Even though it’s basically been his whole method of governance up to this point.

We can't work it out.

The only explanation we can think of here at Chaser Inquiries Corporation is that Mr Morrison knows that something terrible will come out if he holds an inquiry. But that doesn’t make any sense - Christian Porter has strenuously denied the allegations. Therefore, it’s safe to assume an inquiry will be easy sailing for him.

Anyway, point is, it is my fiduciary duty to inform you that there has been a material change to the prevailing business conditions at Chaser Inquiries Corp. Instead of the projected $240 million profit this year, it looks like we’ll be making a $900 million loss. All our business has just suddenly dried up.

But don’t worry, there is good news. Our sister-company, Chaser Cover-Ups Corporation is reporting extremely strong growth in the past few weeks and is projecting a massive windfall profit this year that will make up for all our losses. I can’t tell you the details unfortunately, because… well, it’s a cover-up.

Charles Firth
Chief Executive Officer
Chaser Inquiries Corp
 

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ANDREW HANSEN: SOLO SHOW



Andrew Hansen. He’s the actual, real, proper star of The Chaser’s War On Everything, CNNNN and The Hamster Wheel. He’s the good one from The Chaser. Known for his ferocious songs and iconic characters like the Surprise Spruiker and Clive the Slightly-Too-Loud Commuter, Andrew now presents a blistering live set of sketches and musical takedowns. So don’t miss this brand-new slate of musical and theatrical treats from Andrew Hansen – including hand-picked classics from the Chaser TV songbook. BUY TICKETS NOW

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