Kevin Rudd's crusade against small, independent media
Dear News Corp Staff,
As you might have heard, that smug little dweeb who used to kiss our ring, Kevin Rudd, has been stirring up trouble and drumming up support for a Royal Commission into Murdoch-owned media in Australia.
He's even running a petition about it.
Ordinarily, we'd just tap Kevin's phones for a bit and then release salacious details of whatever indiscretion he's been up to. Unfortunately, it turns out that Kevin's private life is even more boring than the videos he makes for Twitter pretending he's still relevant.
So we're going to have to try a different tack on this one. We're thinking: solidarity. "An attack on any journalist is an attack on all journalists." Let's get The Guardian and The Age on side, and get some of their more guileless columnists to join in solidarity with us.
Now I know what you're thinking: people will see right through it. Everyone knows that we're simply a well-funded propaganda operation masquerading as a news organisation. We're the GetUp of the right, except much better funded, less smelly, and with printing presses instead of billboards.
Thing is, there are enough left-liberal morons out there that I reckon this will be an easy sell. We'll just point out that it's the thin end of the wedge. If you attack a small, independent media organisation like News Corp, which only owns 70% of the nation's press, then no media is safe. Next they'll start attacking other minnows, like Alan Jones and Peta Credlin. Who knows, Rohan Dean might end up without a job. How would Australia cope without Rohan Dean's contribution to the political debate?
So instead, we're going to set up a counter-petition where we ask the Government to get Kevin Rudd a social life, so that he stops his campaign against us. His attack on us is an attack on the very foundations on the freedom of bigotry, which is the cornerstone of the Australian way of life. It must be stopped.
SCOTT MORRISON TOWELS
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WHO IS THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE VICTORIAN PART OF AUSTRALIA?
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Charles Firth
Managing Editor
The Chaser
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