Announcing UberQuips: easy-to-reheat jokes, delivered to your door

Hi <<First Name>> -

As the second wave of the pandemic in Australia widens, it's become clear that our business model is going to need some tweaking if we're going to survive. Our normal business of serving in-house freshly baked quips, witticisms and japery is simply not logistically possible. People in Melbourne are no longer allowed to travel across the city to pick up our very specific joke about butter chicken. Increasingly, people in Sydney are hesitant to physically come in to pick up a loaf of satire, or a pint of parody.

That's why I'm proud to announce today that we're partnering with Uber to allow you to enjoy our two-and-a-half-star comedy without leaving your house.

From now on, all our jokes will come in vacuum-sealed frozen containers that you can easily re-heat in the comfort of your own home. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. We've been re-heating and re-serving our own jokes for years. Even a joke that's 20 years old can be served as fresh if you know how to reheat it correctly.

Of course, Uber will be taking a 30% cut on all orders, so you may notice a drop off in the size and quality of many of our jokes. But it's important to support local jokes, so please buy them anyway.

Here's a sample of our menu.

TO START
Observational humour about living in lockdown - $4.99
Jokes about face masks - 10 for $15
Gags about Melbournians liking coffee - $3.99 (packs of 100)

MAIN MENU
One-liner about Donald Trump delaying the election - $12.99 (fresh)
Joke you've heard before about marijuana - $4.20
'Scott Morrison is an idiot' trope - $19.99
'Albo is useless' trope - $29.99 (popular!)
'Bill Shorten is useless' trope - $1.99 (stale)
'Mark Zuckerberg is a robot' thigh-slapper - [SOLD OUT]
Prince Andrew double entendre - $69

DESSERT
'NBN is slow' bon mot - $12.99
Wisecrack about George Pell being a paedo - $14.99 (reheated)
Croque en bouche of 'Murdoch is evil' deadpans - $89.99 (unavailable in Australia)

If you want to order any of these to reheat and enjoy in your own home, download the app now.

MURDOCH DOCO

You may have heard about an amazing new BBC documentary about Rupert Murdoch. It's called The Rise of the Murdoch Dynasty, and it's apparently a must-see for anyone concerned about the role the Murdoch family has had over anglophone democracies in the past few decades. I say "apparently" because if you click through, you'll notice that you can't actually watch it. That's because none of the networks have picked up the rights to broadcast it here.

Anyway, we're making enquiries about how much it would cost to licence it and put it up our website. If we can do a deal, we might need to crowdfund the cost. (Or if you're a rich person who'd like to help out, please email me at editor@chaser.com.au).

Charles Firth
Managing Editor
The Chaser

P.S. If you haven't already, please consider subscribing to the website to support independent fake news.

P.P.S. Sick of lockdown? Check out our latest book at ChaserShop.com. The Anti-Expert's Guide to Everything, which includes a tasteful guide to how to cure coronavirus without the pesky use of Western science.

A few other things...

PODCAST - New episode out today

Nina Oyama learns how to become a “sovereign citizen” who doesn’t have to obey the police, Dom Knight uncovers Covid fines for drive thru and bush doofs, and Charles Firth adds a sprinkle of Bluetooth to ruin dinnertime. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with our newest news. Stream it online on our website or at Nova or download it in any podcast app, including: