Jeff Bezos needs one trillion dollars. Please sacrifice yourself generously.
Dear Reader,
You might have read during the week that if things return to normal, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is on track to become the world's first-ever trillionaire. It's a good reminder why it's so important for things to return to normal as fast as possible.
As the lockdown restrictions ease across Australia, we urgently need to go back to unbridalled accumulation of wealth at the expense of all else. If we don't, then Jeff will be left in the lurch with only billions to his name.
I mean, sure, things haven't been normal for the past few months. You got your JobKeeper and JobSeeker money (well, the ones who could figure out how to apply for it did). And you found out what it would be like if the government cared more about people than the economy. You got a taste of what it would be like if the Government listened to experts. I think we can all agree it was terrible and should never happen again.
But just in case anyone starts getting the idea that the Government has the power to radically transform the economy overnight just because you just witnessed it doing exactly that, we're going to have to introduce some harsh consequences to make you think twice.
People need to realise that nothing from the government is free (unless you're a bank).
Now that you've experienced two months of social democracy, you'll all have to pay for it with 10 years of the nastiest, unbridalled market fundamentalism you could ever imagine.
We're talking cutting wages, abolishing workers rights, selling off the ABC and Australia Post, privatising large swathes of the public service. And that's just what we've got planned for Monday.
To that end, we're interested in knowing whether you might be willing to sacrifice a close family member to keep the economy chugging along? You know, so that Jeff can become the first member of the trillionaire club?
That's why, during the week, we sent our new reporter Aleksa Vulovic to run a straw poll, asking: Would you be willing to sacrifice an elderly relative for the sake of our economy? You might be surprised by how many of you are willing. Check out the video on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook.
TRIBUTE TO ALAN JONES
We had a lot of requests during the week to pay tribute to everyone's favourite love-letter-writer-to-14-year-olds, Alan Jones. So in this week's episode of The Chaser Report podcast, we end the show with a stirring tribute to Alan Jones. Download the full podcast episode or check out our tribute to Alan Jones on YouTube, Twitter or Facebook.
Charles Firth
Managing Editor
A few other things...
PODCAST - New episode
 The Chaser Report is out today. In it, Dom Knight talks about the man behind the anti-lockdown protests in Melbourne, Craig Reucassel answers your question about how to dispose of PPE and we pay tribute to Alan Jones.
The Chaser Report delivers all the news you can't trust. Stream it online on our website or at Nova or download it in any podcast app, including:
 THE CHASER QUARTERLY - 22-page sample online
Even in lockdown, you can still browse a free 22-page sampler of our latest book at ChaserShop.com. The fully revised second edition of The Anti-Expert's Guide to Everything includes a tasteful guide to how to cure coronavirus the natural way, without the pesky use of Western science.
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