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Issue 191- 12th August 2022

Introducing our new CEO Alan Joyce


Dear Chaser Fans,

As you well know, the Chaser is one of Australia’s most inept and unprofitable businesses. Terribly run, late for everything, and constantly stuffing up deliveries, I think we can all agree it was an obvious fit for a merger with Qantas.

And so I am pleased to announce that as of today, I - Alan Joyce, will be taking over as CEO of the Chaser.

But don’t fret, there will only be a few small changes to how The Chaser runs.

First, we have fired all the staff. After all, paying those employees is quite expensive, and frankly we don’t have a dollar to spare right now.

Secondly, we have given all the executive board a massive million dollar bonus. I think we can all agree that they’ve earned it after sitting through all those excruciating monthly board meetings and executive retreats. Plus there’s the emotional trauma that came with having to lay off all those single mums.

Now some of you may be asking “Alan, how is the company going to run without staff and only executives” but to that I say… oh dear. Oh Jesus, OH CHRIST FUCK I didn’t think of that! Fuck!!! 

Okay um, what if… uh… what if all the executives started writing jokes and doing stunts? Wait bugger it no, they’re not going to want to do that. Okay well um… what if, stay with me here, what if I just put out a press release blaming the audience for not being “match fit” when it comes to enjoying our jokes? Yes that should do. Can’t imagine there would be any backlash from that.

Now finally, and I think most importantly, we have also launched a new expensive, sorry, exclusive club for you all to join. Called the Qantarse Frequent Fuckup Club - there is a range of merch available which if you order now, we promise will be delivered sometime in the next decade.

Anyway that’s all from me, gotta get back to it, this company won’t not run itself!

Yours,
Alan Joyce
CEO and caviar addict

Announcing The War on 2022


Join Australian satirical all-stars Charles Firth (The Chaser), James Schloeffel (The Shovel), Mark Humphries (7.30) and Gabbi Bolt (Sydney Comedy Fest Best Newcomer) as they dissect the disasters, disasters and disasters of 2022 live on stage.

For more information click here, or grab your tickets below:

The Weakly News Quiz:


Which iconic Australian was offered a state funeral this week?

  1. Olivia Newton John
  2. The COVIDSafe App
  3. Qantas
  4. The Housing Market

The FBI dug up parts of Trump's golf course this week, reportedly looking for what?

  1. His taxes
  2. His IQ
  3. Classified nuclear documents

Musician Tommy Lee infuriated fans by sending them what?

  1. A nude photo
  2. His latest single
  3. A text from Clive Palmer

Why did John Barilaro miss a parliamentary hearing this Friday?

  1. He suddenly felt sick
  2. He was interviewing himself for a new job
  3. He was stuck in the queue at Centrelink

A fire at Google caused what:

  1. Google search to stop working
  2. A child to do a presentation on Emperor Nasi Goreng
  3. The White Pages was opened for the first time in decades
  4. Bing surged to 3 users
Why were Starburst fans devastated this week?
  1. They pulled a yellow one
  2. A bit of wrapper fused onto the lolly
  3. They were secretly discontinued in Australia

The Frequent Fuckup Club




Qantarse Frequent Fuckup Club merch is a great way to show off your love for Australia's National Airmbarrasment. Have a browse today.
This Week's News
“People can’t change genders” insists man that believes Jesus can be a biscuit
Freshly retired CovidSafe app announces new $500,000 a year job in New York
Man unwinds from long day staring at screen with a few hours of slightly different screen
World hit with another disaster after Google outage forces everyone to use Bing
Tragic news as the COVIDSafe app is shut down moments before finding its first case
Trump’s legal team rush to work out which of his crimes Trump was raided for
FBI accuses Donald Trump of sending evidence as luggage on Qantas flight in brazen attempt to dispose of it forever

Commemorating History

Follow us on Twitter the latest updates
The Chaser Report:
The joke that collapsed a government with Mark Humphries
The Siege of Mar-A-Lago with Dr David Smith
Political satirists attempt gossip radio after realising celebs are less annoying than politicians with Mark Humphries
The Worst Uber Ever with Chris Taylor
Behind the Missed with Sami Shah

A message from our Sponsors




Qantarse holiday greeting card is on sale for just $2 - will it arrive? Will it get lost in transit by Qantarse? Take a gamble and order one today.

Batshit Moment of The Week




Our mates at Batshit Moments in Australian Politics have nominated this flattering photo of Peter Dutton as the Batshit Moment of The Week

(image credit: NCA Newswire)
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